


Ever since then

by Erine_24



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angel Castiel (Supernatural), Anger, Angst, Apologies, Crying, Crying Castiel (Supernatural), Crying Dean Winchester, Goodbyes, Hugs, Hurt Castiel (Supernatural), Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Ma'lak Box (Supernatural), Men Crying, Pain, Tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-04
Updated: 2020-02-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:07:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22556083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Erine_24/pseuds/Erine_24
Summary: "Ever since what? We lost pretty much everyone we've ever cared about? Ever since the Mark made Cas go crazy? Ever since I had to BURY him in the Ma'lak box, ever since then?"As we never had THE scene... Here we go! (I'm sorry)
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 5
Kudos: 44





	Ever since then

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bowleggedean](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bowleggedean/gifts).



> Happy reading!
> 
> And sorry :(

It was just an empty field. Just an empty field, Castiel had first thought. He was confused about the reasons why Dean had brought them here, but he trusted him. “It’s very important”, said the hunter. And even if Dean practically hadn’t said a single word of all day, he was sure it was worth it.

  
But Cas had seen Dean looking away when he told him to join him this morning. He had seen how, not a single time since then, the hunter had looked at him in the eyes. 

  
But then, when they finally arrived… He saw it, just behind Dean, near a huge whole and a huge heap of soil, so close to him. He recognized it. The box. The Ma’lak box. 

  
And now Castiel was understanding why Dean hadn’t said anything and why he didn’t dare to look at him. He now knew the reason why Dean was so distant those days, why he wasn’t here, always somewhere else, always “busy”. It wasn’t just because of the recent events that had torn everyone apart. This wasn’t just about Sammy, who hadn’t come out of his room for days.   
This wasn’t just that. But Castiel just couldn’t believe that. 

  
“Dean tell me this isn’t what I’m thinking about” 

  
But the long silence that came right after was revealing the truth. The truth that shooked Castiel’s whole body. The truth that ripped his heart apart. Just like it did to Dean’s when he heard the angel’s broken voice. 

  
“No…” 

  
He couldn’t believe it. He just couldn’t. Not that. It couldn’t be true. He couldn’t believe Dean was doing that. That he had betrayed him like that. That he had given up in him. He was the person Cas trusted the most. The person he thought he could always count on. The person that would never turn his back on him. That would stay, that would help him and support him, even when there was nothing left. He blindly trusted Dean. After what he became, he thought Dean would be the one to keep hope. To keep Believing. To keep searching. To not give up on him. Because it was Dean. And it was _them_. 

  
But he was wrong. 

  
“You gave up…” 

  
And while tears appeared in the corner of his eyes, Castiel’s dangerous anger started to rise, running through his body, mixing with frustration and pain. And he raised his eyes to stare at Dean who was finally daring to look at him. The same Dean who could suddenly see how he had messed up and broke the angel even more than he already was. And it hurt him so badly, as his heart was breaking too. But he couldn’t let his feelings guide him. He couldn't. 

  
“I didn’t.” Then again, Dean escaped the angel’s look to stare at that stupid box. Because Castiel was right. He was only right. But Dean couldn't accept that either. “You know I have to do it. 

  
\- What are you even talking about.” The anger in Castiel was growing and growing on the inside. And it was only showing the truth. “You really think I’m gonna go into that box!? 

  
\- This is the only way! 

  
\- You know it’s not Dean. We can find another way, there _has_ to be another way!!

  
\- But _what_ other way, uhm? Damn it Cas we tried everything, _EVERYTHING_ ” 

  
Dean had looked away, his voice breaking. He couldn’t face the angel anymore. He couldn’t see his face, trying to convince him not to do what he was planning to do. What he _had_ to do. Because it was too late. Too late for Castiel. Too late for them. 

  
At first, Cas had just been… Cas. He had been himself for days. But soon, he started to change. The mark started to change him. And they first ignored it. They were happy, finally happy. For the first time. And they couldn’t see that coming. “It’s a different mark” they had thought. “Nothing is gonna happen, it’s gonna be fine” 

  
But it happened. It affected Castiel. It changed him. Made him… lose himself. Go crazy. It wasn’t the same effects as with the mark of Cain, but the excess of powers he got… Was consuming him on the inside. It was too powerful, too strong. It couldn’t stop. And Castiel couldn’t control it. 

  
Sam and Dean had to watch the angel’s condition get worse and always worse, watching him being more powerful, more dangerous every day. They had searched, for months, for more than a year for a cure, a solution. Like they had found one to save Dean from the mark of Cain. But there wasn’t anything. 

  
Anything but that. The Ma’lak box. To contain that power. Forever. So Dean had had to build it again, to spend hours, days, building something that would bury alive his best friend. His angel. The only one he loved. His whole world. He would have to lock him up, letting him live the eternity alone in that box. And doing that… Was worse than seeing him die. 

  
But the hunter had to do it. Even if it had already killed him on the inside. He had to bring Castiel here, to trap him in that angel trap. To betray him. To break all the trust, the devotion the angel always gave in him since the beginning. 

  
And even if the anger was present in every cell of his body, even if the pain and deception were so high that it was hard to look at the hunter, Castiel was trying to calm down. He still wanted to trust Dean. He still wanted to reason him. To show him he was wrong. Maybe Dean just wasn’t thinking. Maybe he had been surrounded by the pain and had freaked out. Maybe… Castiel didn’t know, but he couldn’t accept what was going on. 

  
After everything that happened, after all those years… After everything they had been through. They had saved each other. From the beginning, there were meant to it. They always have been. Dean was the one who made Castiel out of heaven’s control, to be able to think by himself, make his own choices. He had made him discover life, humanity, emotions, feelings… especially feelings. 

He had made him free. 

  
And now, he would lock him up for eternity. 

  
“Dean please, we can’t lose hope… We didn’t lose hope for you years ago, we found a solution... We _will_ find a solution!! 

  
\- This _is_ the solution Cas! This is the only way you know this..." 

  
Dean was still looking away, while a tear was struggling to come out. He didn't want to lock him up in that box, he didn't want to bury him. He didn't want to say goodbye to him. He just wanted him to be okay, for things to be okay. And he couldn't even think straight, but he had to avoid thinking about his feelings. He had to stay strong, he had to do it... Even if it killed him. 

  
So he started to get closer to Castiel, closer to the box, as the angel had no way out. He was trapped. 

  
Then Dean closed his eyes and started to raise his arm, ready to push the angel into the box. 

  
" _I_ didn't lose hope!!!!" 

  
Dean had suddenly stopped when he heard Castiel's voice. Castiel's strong, loud and broken voice. A sound that shook all the hunter's body. He had raised his eyes to stare at the angel who was suddenly crying, looking at Dean, with so much disappointment, frustration, anger and pain. Especially pain. 

  
"When the mark made you lose control, or when Michael was possessing you, I didn't _lose_ hope. _Never_. I never gave up on you, I never turned my back on you, I never stopped searching and searching and moving heaven and earth to save you!! Not a single time. Especially when there was no hope left for us. _I never gave up on you_!!!!" 

  
Dean's whole body was entirely shaking, as the angel had broken down in tears. Castiel was right. He was only right. And that reality hurt him so badly. He didn't want all of that. He didn't want to do that. He just wanted Cas to be fine. For them to be fine. He didn't want to give up on him. He never did. And never would. Castiel was his whole world and he would do anything, everything to save him. He would move heaven and earth for him. And he did. For months he did. He wasn't even sleeping nor eating, he was just searching and searching, again and again. Ne _needed_ to find something. He _needed_ to save the angel. To keep hope. 

  
But there was no way to fix this. Through the days, they could've seen Cas becoming more and more powerful, more and more out of control. More and more dangerous. He was destroying everything and everyone around him. Even Sam and Dean. And the hunter had had to face the truth. To accept it. Even if he knew what it would mean. 

  
So he didn't respond. He couldn't. 

  
But then, when the other was still crying, the hunter moved slowly toward the broken angel, only to open wide his arms to close them around his body, gripping him tight against him. And Dean let down a tear while closing his eyes, gripping again with so many emotions Castiel's trench coat. His heart was falling apart, knowing it would be the last time that he would hold Cas, the last time he would be able to touch him, to feel him. 

  
Because Castiel had left his arms to surround Dean's body too, nestling his head against the hunter's shoulder, letting down even more tears, while he was letting out every emotion, and every feeling he had for him. He loved him. He loved him so much... more than anyone, more than anything. There were no words to describe how much the hunter meant to him. It was him. From the beginning. 

  
Deep down, he had always known Dean would be the one. The only one. They were bonded. And through the years, his feelings for him had only grown stronger and stronger. And now, he was just expressing them, in his touch, his look, his tears, his movements... in his face, nestling in the hollow of his shoulder... in his arms, holding him the tighter he could. In everything. 

  
And Dean had felt in. He knew. He was feeling all that the angel was giving to him. All that love, that care, affection, protection, emotions, and feelings... He could feel it. And it only broke his heart more than it already was. 

  
Because Castiel had let his guard down. 

  
And within a second, he found himself pushed hard into the Ma'lak box. He didn't even have the time to realize that he already was locked in. 

  
"What, what the- Dean what are you doing Dean- NO!!!!!!!" 

  
But it was too late, and his voice was already covered by the silver walls of the box. But Dean could still hear him, and every word that Castiel was shouting was breaking every piece of his heart, one by one. 

  
"I'm so sorry..." Dean was struggling not to open that box, not to give in, as Castiel was begging him to let him out. Screaming that he was giving up on him, that he couldn't do that, and that he hated him. And Dean was repeating the same apologies while pushing the box. But just before letting it fall into that hole, just before letting him go... He whispered, as an ultimate apology, an ultimate confession. As an ultimate goodbye. "I love you..." 

  
And his world stopped. As he was looking at the falling box, as the angel had suddenly stopped screaming. Because Castiel had heard. And he had felt it too. He knew. 

  
And Dean started crying, really crying. He had done it. How did he... He... 

  
Tears couldn't stop falling as his heart, and his whole world, had fallen apart. He loved the angel. More than anything or anyone. And now... He had sent him into that box. 

  
But it wasn't done yet. And with a strength he didn't even know he had, Dean started to recover that hole, mechanically, sorely, as there were no tears left to cry. No emotion. Nothing. He was just throwing the dirt with that only one shovel, slowly, strongly, as he could still hear Castiel's begging screams that had started again. The angel was shouting loud, repeating the same words, the same cold, broken words. Except that it sounded different now. More hopeless. More suffering. 

  
And as the time was going and going, tears were less and less falling, as the life was slowly leaving Dean's body. And dring hours, he repeated the same movements, the same expressions, as Cas' voice was getting more and more shut down. 

  
Soon, Castiel's screams didn't do anything to him anymore. He was just... Dead inside. His face was frozen, his eyes, and all of his body was so cold, empty of life, broken. 

  
And then he finally stopped. He had finally covered it and that it was just an empty field again. There was just silence. Broken silence. 

  
And, all his strengths letting him down, Dean had suddenly fallen on his knees. His body couldn't handle anymore. His body couldn't carry him. It was too much. And his eyes were stuck on the ground, knowing the one he loved had been buried alive so far underground. That, at that exact moment, he would maybe still be screaming, begging, blaming, crying... 

  
And the hunter had spent hours like that, his dead body frozen, unable to move, unable to live. Until Sam had found him the next morning and had finally carried him home. 

  
But nothing was alright anymore. 

  
The light in his eyes... was gone. Every hope, every feeling, everything he ever fought for, his will to live, his whole body, every inch of him... Had died away.

I realize now,

that loving him was neither beautiful nor poetic;

It was knowingly walking through hell eveyday

and losing myself in it

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Hope you enjoyed it ^^


End file.
